Falling Apart . . .

fallingapart

I have traveled to the end of this road –  The realization that this journey was over was swift and clear.  Never mind what the street signs are showing, it is time to find a seat and check out that less-traveled road.  This is my route.

First decision when hitting the wall was to quit my job.  My last day is August 11th.  It will be a sad day because this job has been good to me.  The friends I have made have enhanced my life beyond explaining.  What I have learned about restaurant management is priceless, and the leadership I had the privilege of working with was selfless and sincere.

So, what the hell is going on?

There is always – ALWAYS – a catalyst to change, and this was no different, but knowing the catalyst is meaningless when understanding the change.  Believe me when I tell you that I did not run off with the Shamrock man.  I did not become allergic to Italian.  I am not moving back home.  There was no drama.  I was not fired.  I am not terminally ill., I did not lose my mind.  I did not win the lottery.  I did not get hired as aide to the President.  I am not pregnant.

It was just time for me to go . . .

Life can be mysterious, but there are moments of clarity where you know that you know that you know.  This decision was just that clear.

If you follow this blog, and know me, then you are aware that the last 5 years have been brutal.  I took the beatings and kept moving forward caring for my granddaughter, holding back the tears, shoving the pain aside and taking the next painful step. Numb is the word.  Weariness is real.

In order to feel again, I must grieve.  I have to stop and feel the pain of a very sad divorce, and mourn my dad, remember my moms – both of them, acknowledge the losses, accept the truths, face the facts and get up, take a step, and start all over again.

I always knew this day would come, but it had to be when I had time to stop – and when I felt safe to do so.

After I fall apart, what will I do?  I have not a clue, but I am very excited for the rest of my life.

Having time to fall in love, explore, mediate, dance, dream, hug, believe, and laugh will be the tools I use to put me together again, and then I will be strong and sure and settled.

Everyone faces these times, so I am nothing unusual, but I am just transparent enough to tell you about it.  I hope my journey encourages you to know that life can be thrilling, whether you are falling apart or coming together.  Everything is a life lesson.

You won’t see me as much, or hear from me as often – for now – but rest assured that I will be back – with a purpose and a plan and wonderful, delightful, delirious happiness!

 

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10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Nancy J McEvers
    Jul 28, 2013 @ 22:00:41

    Falling “Together” would be a more a more accurate title!! Good Luck…and be sure and have lots of fun!

    Reply

  2. AdamShake
    Jul 29, 2013 @ 07:18:45

    Susan, blessings to you on your journey. Though we didn’t know you well, you brought us happiness when our paths would cross. If you end up leaving our mountain village, know that you will be missed. If not, we look forward to seeing you again. Many of us have had many different journeys, been many different people, reinvented ourselves. The human ability for reinvention is remarkable. (I realize this from my own life) I won’t say “enjoy the ride” because the path is often painful, but often times you must get low to climb high.

    Adam and Suzanna

    Reply

  3. Stephanie
    Jul 29, 2013 @ 07:31:07

    I remember talking about this with you a couple months back. Change is good. You needed this–for yourself. Everything will be okay. Every day is a new one. 🙂

    Reply

  4. Laurie Chapman
    Jul 29, 2013 @ 08:08:57

    Susan, thanks so much for sharing. I am coming out of the mode you are entering, I think, at least today…So many changes, so fast. I have had over a year now of “be still and rest”. Time for yourself to process is a healthy way to truly take care of yourself. Breathe. Be still. Be restored. Find the next chapter…..

    Reply

  5. Randall R. Maharry, M.D.
    Jul 29, 2013 @ 13:46:34

    I saw no pieces as a result of your so-called “falling apart”. Actually, you seemed VERY MUCH intact. As they say in England “Keep your pecker( read- chin) up!”

    Randy Randall Maharry

    WHERE IS THE ANGER OVER IRAQ, AFGANISTAN, LYBIA & SYRIA ???

    Reply

  6. mrtiggers
    Jul 30, 2013 @ 06:51:45

    Please call me this morning.

    Love & miss you

    Reply

  7. Joanie
    Jul 30, 2013 @ 17:31:17

    Susan as you head on to this new journey in life , I’ll bet you do well.
    You seem to be smart, funny, caring and have a wonderful intuition
    about life. You have a wonderful passion & love for your family.
    I’m sorry your marriage did not work but sometimes people stay in
    relationships & never have the strength to move on even if neither
    party is happy. This is when you find your true self, I think even through
    the pain of feeling you will go it alone. I do not believe this with your love &
    spirit for life, I can see it even though we have only known each other for
    such a short time. It is scary to face change as we grow older. I also am
    thinking of moving on from my job of 15 years soon , but I think it will
    force me to like myself a little more & be stronger.
    I just know it will be all good for you & will pray for you. ❤ Can't wait
    too see you soon for a lunch date & the birthday.
    Joanie ❤

    Reply

  8. dachsielvr
    Jul 31, 2013 @ 10:18:22

    I just wrote a book re: reply and the system ate it so it was not meant to be…will be waiting for you to emerge from your journey and wish you joy, love, discovery and peace as I am in the middle of my journey preparing my mind, body, soul and spirit for the next decade. You remain in my nightly prayers and I am always, ALWAYS here for you. Ness

    Reply

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